[PRP] Heartbreak (Sprucetail/Birchleaf)

[belloblossom]

Sprucetail had stopped talking.

On the day of her kitting, she'd felt so good about it. There had been pain, of course, and there had been blood, but Errol had assured her such things were normal. She would've doubted the tomcat, had he not had a part in bringing Sprucetail and her siblings into the world. The idea of tomcats knowing more about kitting than a she-cat did felt silly, but she trusted the older tomcat and she had trusted her body to do everything correctly and ensure the safety of her kits. She'd gotten through it with minimal difficulty with her loved ones ready with prey and water and her mate standing near. She'd wanted to see the kits before she and Twisted Bark named them, but she'd been so tired after everything that she shooed everyone away so that she could nap with her litter and Sprucetail's eyes had closed before she got a proper look at them.

Upon waking from her nap, she hadn't realized anything was wrong until she began to bathe her litter of three. Spots and stripes nestled at her side, nursing and mewling softly. Three little bundles of warmth - only... When she swiped her tongue over the third kit, they weren't warm at all. She nosed at her kit, trying to shift so that they could get closer to her, but instead the body fell away from her side, its head lolling and some sort of scream came from Sprucetail's mouth. It had cats coming to her side and from there her memory was so blurred. The sight of her paws curling around it, trying to shake it into awareness. Seeing Firedust curl her tail around Sprucetail's kits as Sprucetail herself picked up her kit. The sights of the forest, trees looming around her as she ran into the forest, tripping over the tangled roots of the forest floor. Her mothers finding her, Errol picking up the body of the kit. The tiniest grave she'd ever seen for a kit who had never lived to open its eyes, or even, as she'd hear later, to draw its first breath.

How many days had it been? One, or twenty? Sprucetail's kits, her litter of thr- of two, were nestled at her belly, their eyes still not open. She hadn't left the Nursery since the burial and vigil. She licked her kits near constantly, keeping them warm and refusing to sleep unless one of her siblings, or her mothers were there. It was her fault that her third kit hadn't survived, she knew it in her heart, even if no one else would admit it. If she hadn't fallen asleep or shooed everyone away so she could rest, maybe Errol could've saved it somehow. If she'd stayed awake, she would've been able to notice something. She wouldn't take her gaze off her remaining kits for a single moment if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

It was exhausting. So exhausting that she could barely think straight and the energy to put how she was feeling into words was so daunting that she just stopped trying. Maybe when their eyes were open, or maybe when they were apprentices, or maybe when they were warriors... Would they even make it that far? She curled tighter around her kits, licking the tops of their heads and praying to SunClan that they wouldn't take any more of her family away. @PeterPan_da144

 

[PeterPan_da144]

It had been so, so hard since Sprucetail had kitted. Birchleaf tried not to crowd the nursery, and left her sister well alone after the kitting. Sprucetail needed to sleep, and the kits would likely need some one on one time with their mother. But when Sprucetail woke... The whole clan shook.

Birchleaf was among the first at her sister's side, attempting to soothe her pain with reaffirming licks and body warmth. But there was nothing she could do. Even after Sprucetail fled the nursery with the cold kit, and they had held a vigil for the poor scrap of fur, Birchleaf had felt utterly useless. She felt as if there was nothing she could do to ease her sister's pain. Birchleaf readily took up rotating shifts with the others, giving Sprucetail and the kits comfort and attention, while also making sure the queen had her fill of food and water.

It was her turn now, and she would shoulder her way gently into the nursery with a small bird in her jaws. "Sprucetail, it's time to eat," she would say softly. The fowl was laid close to her head before Birchleaf would sit near her flank. Eyes cast down at the kits and full of love and affection. "I can watch them if you want to go out and get some fresh water, too. Stretching your legs will be good for you." Her voice was low, and her head dipped slightly as she spoke.

@belloblossom

 

[belloblossom]

Sprucetail's ears flicked at the sound of a voice both new and familiar in the Nursery's entrance. She raised her gaze to see her sister, Birchleaf. Birchleaf had been the first cat she'd told about her litter - they'd been so excited together, but now... Sprucetail's eyes watered and she looked at her sister with hollow despair.

Birchleaf is right. I can't allow myself to lay here forever, but... SunClan, getting to her paws seemed so difficult. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Twisted Bark in the Nursery, but her memories clouded over one another. She curled her tail more tightly around her kittens, as though she might be able to absorb them back into her, safe from the outer world, where every breath could be their last.

With a shaky breath, she tried to clear her throat, but she felt so parched that when she finally found the words, she was rasping them.
"Birchleaf, where is Twisted Bark?" She coughed, her tail moving to block the kits from the sound. "I cannot remember when he last came to see them?" A thought struck her and she shuddered. "Or... perhaps he is with the other, at the..." She couldn't bring herself to say, at the grave. She would forgive him, she decided, if he was with the other and not there with her. Or maybe she should be begging his forgiveness instead - he was not visiting because they both knew that somehow, she had caused this tragedy.

Sprucetail opened her eyes and looked hopelessly at her sister. "Why, of all our siblings, did my body have to be the one that had fault within it?" She whispered. "I, alone, am the reason my kit is... is... gone. I would cast myself from TreeClan, if these kits did not need a mother to care for them, but I am a poor excuse for a mother, when I killed one of their siblings." Her whispers grew louder until they broke into a wail. Her grief was not yet through - and indeed, it was a wonder if a mother's grief could ever diminish when it came to the loss of a child. @PeterPan_da144