[PRP] Trying To Change [Split x Smoke]

[NatiStorm]

This was so messed up. How had he not noticed Smoke was carrying his kits? The thought quickly turned the anger he felt inwards towards himself. Sure, they weren't the perfect couple and they squabbled more than they really got along but.... Split truly had enjoyed Smoke's company. Unlike Pidge, Smoke was strong, both physically and in will. In the time they'd spent together, Split had come to respect her quite a bit. They could have been a family, but no, he had to go and mess the whole thing up. Unlovable. Pitiful and cruel. That's what she'd called him and that's what he was.

Split slowed his running to a trot before stopping to catch his breath. Three kits. Three living kits. Two sons and a daughter. What had she named them? Did any of them look like her? What if one of them looked like him? What if they all looked like him? The dark tom collapsed on the ground and tried not to sob. He knew he was unlovable. Hadn't his mother told him that? He knew he was the worst cat there was... would one of Smoke's kits meet the same fate?

No, Smoke had loved him which meant that she would absolutely love any kitten she had that looked like him.... right? Or now that she hated him, would she look at any kit that resembled him with distain? He had really messed things up this time. Though he went over it repeatedly in his mind, Split couldn't figure out why both she-cats had claimed to be his mate. Had he missed some unspoken rule about relationships? There had to be some way to explain to Smoke that this was just a mistake... right?

Days passed as Split stalked Smoke down the mountain from a respectable distance, always trying to stay downwind of her to hide his scent as much as possible. One day, when he was sure (fairly sure at least) Smoke was sleeping, he snuck up and left some fresh kill for her. Even if she was mad at him, this journey had to be hard on her and the least he could do now was offer her something to eat. Of course, he didn't stick around to find out if she ate it or not.

Split sat on the low branch of an old oak tree lost in thought, as he did most days now. Maybe he could sneak into her den to see their kids one day. After all, Smoke would never want to see him again, let alone have him meet her children since he was so cruel and unlovable. His mind was so caught up on the names Smoke had called him that the sky could fall and he probably wouldn't notice.
@belloblossom

 

[belloblossom]

Smoke was at the end of her emotional limit. She'd been pushing the boundaries of herself in every mean and manner since she endured kitting alone, travelling up the mountain alone and... well, while she hadn't had to face Split alone, she certainly didn't feel any less hollow than through her previous struggles. Still, having burned through all her rage and adrenaline to find Split and drag him down to her family, only to have such an encounter... with Pigeon, his first and then to find him, resentful of her and bitter... Smoke found that the most of what she felt on the journey down the mountain was tired.

On the first day, she'd strode off with what little anger she had left in her. On the second day, she had cried and the third onward... she didn't feel connected to her paws anymore. She felt light-headed, as though she were her namesake, just wisps of smoke being held together by the distant idea of seeing her kittens again. She found that she had to put effort into feeling pressure into her paws. Sometimes she would trip over a branch and just lay there until the sun went down. The idea of feeling angry, as angry as she had when she started this journey, it sounded so laughable now. It felt like all that anger, that resentment, that hurt just... breathed out of her.

Sometimes, after finding a suitable nest for the night, she wouldn't get up the next day. She would tuck herself away in a far corner and try to sleep as much as she could. She didn't have it in her to dream, good or bad, fortunately. Her dreams were as a stark and empty as she felt. Sometimes upon waking, she would find prey that she hadn't caught with a scent that she'd know anywhere at the entrance to her den. She ate it; she couldn't feel angry, looking at it. She had no idea why he might be following her; he must hate her. She must hate him. To not hate him, after everything he had done... What sort of pathetic cat would that make her.

"I must hate him." Smoke would say to her reflection by the river.

"I must hate him." Smoke said as she crouched under a bush, a silent hunter, watching a bird and then leaving without attempting to catch it.

"I must... feel... something." She mewed as she saw the pond on the distance. She could make it to Quiet's den in only a couple more days time, but how was she supposed to face Quiet having failed what she set out to do? How was she meant to explain to her kits about their horrible, cruel father when she couldn't even muster up the will to hunt for herself anymore. So she lingered by the trees, like a coward and eventually, she turned away from the trail that would lead her home.

She'd scented him frequently, even without the prey he left at her paws while she slept. She had little trouble tracking him, all the way up into the tree he was perched in. For a moment, a small spark of spite lit in her stomach. She could climb up there and knock him right off his branch! But, no, she would have to climb the tree to do that and just by putting her right paw, claws unsheathed onto the bark of the tree, she felt any energy draining out of her. She dug her claws into the soft bark and breathed a sigh. She didn't want to talk to him, she didn't even want to look at him, but if she wasnt' going home and he was going to stalk her wherever she went... well he may as well be some sort of useful.

"Come down here and comfort me to my face, you jackass." @NatiStorm

 

[NatiStorm]

Sitting on his branch, the grey and black tomcat repeated his plan over and over again in his head. He would wait until the kittens were older and then he'd sneak up to see them when Smoke had dropped her guard. His features drooped with sadness. It wasn't an ideal plan by any means but what else was he to do? Split wanted to see them, at least once, and knew there was no way Smoke would let him near.

So lost in his thoughts, the voice of the she-cat he was just thinking of caught him off guard. Looking down, Split gave several surprised blinks as Smoke was there. At the bottom of his tree. Looking up at him... Wait, what had she just said? Come down and confront her? No wait... comfort her? Why would she...?

Not wanting to waste a chance to make things right, Split quickly made his way down the tree, landing with a soft thud near Smoke. Actions of comfort were not his strong suit, never had been, and Split stood there unsure of what to do or say.

"Smoke..." Split started but all the words he had rehearsed to say to her vanished from his mind. "I'm sorry." He said simply dropping his gaze.

@belloblossom

 

[belloblossom]

Smoke didn't have to wait long before Split landed on the ground before her, but rather than stand next to her, just give her someone to lean on and breathe against, he stood in front of her. She removed her paw from the tree he'd sprang out of and sheathed her claws. She wasn't looking for a fight, but she wasn't looking for an apology either.

"No, you aren't." She sighed, but she fixed her eyes on him. "I'm tired, Split. Tired of your lies, of... of everything. You've been following me, hunting for me and now, the last thing I need is you apologizing to make yourself feel better about what you did." She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed again, each breath coming out more shakily than the first. "I'm not going to forgive you. I'm not going to sit here and listen to all the excuses you'll pile me with, all the explanations on how this was just a huge mistake and you didn't mean to, because you did mean to. You made the decision to leave my side, you made the decision not to tell me about where you were going, or about Pigeonflight and your daughter together..." She opened her eyes, some conviction coming back to her. "You made the choice that you didn't want to be apart of my life, yet you're making no effort to hide that you're following me. You must love causing others hurt, Split. I don't think that'll ever change."

She sighed, no, maybe it was closer to a wheeze? Days of walking, of ignoring her body's needs to push away the hurt, she felt the toll that brought upon her now. Her paws, once numb and distant, now bled, scraped raw from the long travel.

"But we can pretend, for a bit, for a night. You can hunt for me, and you can call me pretty names and I will tell you about how beautiful my kits are and we can have a night of what should've been our forever. I deserve one night, even if it's fake - especially if it's fake - just so I... so I don't feel like... like I'm nothing." She sank to her haunches. "So I don't feel like I've always been nothing." She mewed softly. She would feel bad about her choice later. Right now... "I just need someone familiar to tell me I'm pretty and deserving of love, even if it's coming from a tom who believes that's the furthest thing from the truth. You do this for me, Split or..." Or get out of her life forever? Maybe she'd ask him to kill her - pathetic as she was. Quiet and Flameheart would be able to take care of her kits, wouldn't they? She was so tired, she couldn't imagine ever finding energy within her again. "Or I just won't care at all anymore." Was all she could manage, in an attempt to describe the shape of it all. @NatiStorm

 

[NatiStorm]

It was hard, oh so incredibly hard, not to argue with Smoke and her accusations towards him. Under normal circumstances Split would have absolutely lashed out, telling his side of things again in hopes he could finally get his view of things across to her. But the exhaustion was clear on Smokes face, in her voice, in the way she moved and it was all his fault. So instead of standing up for himself, he sat there with his good ear pushed back as he took the scolding. A few times he opened his mouth to say something but then quickly closed it again. It was harder to keep his tail from lashing but Split tried his best not to seemed as aggravated as he felt.

It was when she called herself nothing that broke him. After a life of loneliness he had finally found someone he could tolerate being with and he made her feel like she was nothing. Split was more than accustomed to feeling like his life meant nothing and to hear that Smoke felt that way, because of him, twisted his insides into knots.

"You have never been nothing." Split said in a soft but firm tone. Nervously shifting on his paws he searched for the words. "I messed up and made a mistake and I am sorry for that but you have never been and never will be nothing to me." This time he held his gaze steady. Even if she didn't believe him on anything else, he needed her to know that she meant something to him.

"I will do whatever you need of me, Smoke. Whether that's one night of hunting, grooming, and telling you how stunning you are even after such travels....or...." He mewed softly as he moved to her side letting 'leave forever' hang in the air unsaid. Cautiously he reached out and gave her messed fur a lick.

@belloblossom

 

[belloblossom]

Smoke turned her gaze away when his apologies came back, reinforced. She couldn't hear them now and she wasn't sure that she could ever be ready to hear them, if they ever met up again after this. She returned her gaze to his, huffing a short laugh and rolling her eyes at him. Yes, she could pretend for a night, at least. After that... well, she didn't want to think about it just now.

"If you'll do whatever I need of you," She shoved herself to her paws. "Let's find some place to sleep for now. I'm as weary as reeds after a storm. You're in charge of hunting, too. If I have to lift a paw for anything consider yourself out of a job." She quipped, some dim light of humor returning to her eyes.

"I'm eager to tell you about what you missed, too. You may be a terror, but I shall never miss an opportunity to talk about how wonderful my kittens are. I hope they all grow up as lovely as Quiet and with her and Flameheart as good influences, I'm sure they will be. I shall love them regardless." She let herself drift over to Split and lean her shoulder against his. "I won't love any one else ever again, but I shall love my kittens, with all that I have left in me." She mused to herself, relieved to have someone to talk at. Pigeon had been that feline for her, before their friendship fell apart. She didn't wish to think about how Pigeon was doing just now. She swished her tail as though wiping away cobwebs.

"If you have questions about them, you may ask them as we're looking for shelter together, or we can speak about all that you've missed in your mountain time, or...." She looked up at the sky, pausing midstep. "Or we don't have to talk about any of that at all. We could just... walk. Or you could tell me a joke." She suggested, rambling through her emotions, which were all a jumble of nerves. What could be a bigger joke than the situation they were currently in? She didn't voice this thought aloud though, for that surely wouldn't do anything to help the situation, even if it would make Smoke laugh, bitterly. @NatiStorm

 

[NatiStorm]

Split gave a small half smile at Smoke's quip about being out of a job. Honestly doing this for her was the least he could do after everything that had happened. It was almost embarrassing how much relief flooded him hearing Smoke declare her love for her kits. Of course she wouldn't treat any of them with distain because of him, she's too good for that. Still, it was relief to hear her confirm that she would love the kits regardless.

As Smoke leaned into him, Split shifted to better support her weight. Split was hyper aware of his every move, afraid that anything he did, or didn't do would shatter the moment.

"Right, because I am so full of jokes." Split said unable to hide his sarcasm. Smoke had to know how completely unfunny he was.... but... if this was his last night with her, what did he have to lose? Smoke already thought so little of him, how could he make her opinion of him any worse? With a sigh he turned to look at her. There was one joke he knew, though it wasn't very good in his opinion. "What do mice like to play for fun?" He waited a moment for her to answer before he continued to the punchline. "Hide and squeak."

"Where I'm bedding down isn't too far from here. We can rest there for the night." He said veering off to the side a bit. "And I would love to hear about ou-your kittens." Split said after giving Smoke a moment to react to his 'joke'. His tail twitched nervously behind him. "Do any of them look like me?" The question burst from him, anxiety clear in his voice.
@belloblossom

 

[belloblossom]

Smoke hadn't actually expected him to tell a joke so when he did, and when it was admittedly, amusing, she didn't quite know how to react. For a moment, she just stared at him and then she made an attempt to stifle a laugh, which did not quite work. She let out a harsh, unexpected "HA!" and then, being so surprised at the sound of her laughter, chuckled her embarrassment away further.

"That was so dumb." She mewed, eyes rolling to the sky. "You're so dumb." She shook her head. "Yes, lead me to your nest, I'm sure that will do just fine." She replied, following his lead. She flicked her ears at the catch of a possessive in reference to her kittens and she allowed some slack. "They look like us." She admitted. "I didn't think your glare was something that could be passed on - I thought it was just your attitude... or maybe attitude is something that can be passed on, because both Brawn and Strike certainly have it." Her whiskers twitched again, recalling the last time she'd seen her litter. "Brawn is the darkest of them, closer to your solid side." Smoke nudged Split's shoulder which she leaned upon, with her own. "He's got these beautiful golden eyes. My little son, with eyes like little suns. Then you've got Sharp, she's the eldest of the three. She's as beautiful as she is crafty, that one. I feel like I'm going to have to beat the tomcats off of her. She's got your stripes and my greys - but she's got these pretty white seal points that I've never seen on any cat before or since."

She turned her head so that she could press herself against Split, taking in the warmth of him as she went on.
"Then, don't tell the other two, but Strike may be my favorite. He's got a half pelt, though he's so much paler than you or I. It's like he's white on one side and the palest grey on the other. Both of his ears are down, but he can still shift them backwards when he's angry." She chuckled at a playful memory between her kits and a scuffle they engaged in. "He's got some stripes and his tail tip is white, but his eyes, Split. His eyes are blue, but they're two different blues. It's as though he took one of mine and one of yours. He's going to be quite the catch when he's older, you mark my words. Sharp isn't the only one I'll have to be watching closely as they grow." She laughed. "This makes it sound like Brawn isn't cute - he is, I promise. They're all beautiful and they're all mine and if you ever come by to see them, then you'll have to agree with me or else I'll claw off both of your ears at once!" She said with a grin, before she added, softly. "Um, that's a pretend sentence. I know you wouldn't see them, but just um, anyway - is this your den?" She mewed turning her attention elsewhere.

"I shall stay here and rest my paws, if it's all the same to you. I trust you to hunt well enough for the two of us." She mewed and moved away from him, wishing for some distance between them already. @NatiStorm